


Fill My Sorrows With the Words You Borrowed

by kamiyas



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-01
Updated: 2013-08-01
Packaged: 2017-12-22 01:52:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/907480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kamiyas/pseuds/kamiyas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He can imagine it, like a muggle film, playing out in front of him. Their lives would be perfect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fill My Sorrows With the Words You Borrowed

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place from seventh year till the death of the Potter’s. First, italicized paragraph, takes place when Sirius is in Azkaban. I have no idea what graduation is like at Hogwarts, but I like the idea of them throwing their wizard hats in the air.
> 
> Title is from Delicate by Damian Rice.

_Moonlight is sad. Maybe not to most people, but to Sirius, it's the saddest thing he can think of, even here in Azkaban. On clear nights, the moonlight pours in through the bars of his small window and he thinks of the past and times when he was careless, not worrying about anything in the world except what was right in front of him. But mostly, he thinks of_ him _. Remus._

 

  
“God. Oh…oh, god. Sirius.”  
He looks down at the boy saying his name underneath him. He’s beautiful, absolutely beautiful, all sharp cheekbones and bright eyes and caramel hair waving around Sirius' pale fingers. Those bright eyes latch onto gray ones and they stay there, just like that, staring into each others eyes, moving together.  
Remus loses all control and, arching his back, throwing his head back, howls, absolutely howls. It’s always like that. In those last moments of passion, Remus is closest to the wolf; wild, carnal, animalistic.  
Sirius closes his eyes and leans his head down onto Remus’ chest. Arms curl around him and they lay there, just listening to the night.

 

  
The moon is full and Remus is changing. James is in detention and dragged Peter down with him so it’s just the two of them, just Remus and Sirius, like it has been for some time, since James got with Lily and Peter started disappearing off to God knows where.  
He holds Remus at first, tries to ease the pain, even though he knows he cannot. At a certain point, he has to let go and he immediately shifts into the black dog and then watches as the man he loves howls in what he can only imagine as agonizing, piercing pain.  
Finally, the transformation is complete and there’s nothing left but to roam free in the Shrieking Shack, ripping down curtains and ruining chairs. The night passes fairly quickly and Sirius shifts back to human as soon as he sees that Remus has entirely changed back into himself. It takes them a whole ten seconds to realize that they’re alone, for the first time in what feels like forever, and then they’re crashing together, pulling each other down to the ground, and giving the Shrieking Shack a whole new reason for its name.

 

  
Three days till graduation and they’re sneaking out of their dorm and up to the tallest tower to make love under the stars. And then they lay there until dawn, and Sirius admits to Remus how scared he is of the real world, mostly because they won’t be near each other as often. Remus tells Sirius about an ad he saw in _The Daily Prophet_ for a tiny, one-bedroom apartment in London. He doesn’t come out and tell Sirius that he wants them to live together, but it’s implied and Sirius picks up on it soon enough. With a failed attempt at nonchalance, Sirius asks Remus if he’d mind sharing the apartment for a little while, at least until he gets a place of his own. Remus takes Sirius’s hand, looks into his eyes and tells him that he wants him there, not just until he finds a place of his own, but for as long as he likes. Sirius smiles like he’s never smiled before and presses warm kisses to his boyfriend’s neck and ears and chest and mouth.  
For that small amount of time, they’re both able to forget the threat that’s growing steadily outside of castle walls, the threat they’ll be facing as soon as they enter the real world.

 

  
Sirius throws his hat into the air and looks automatically around for Remus. He finds him a little way off from where he’s standing and heads down to him. They hug, and for that short moment, it’s only the two of them. James finds them, dragging Peter behind him, and throws his arms around the two of them for a quick, celebratory hug before going to find his parents. He drags Sirius with him because, for intents and purposes, James’s parents are Sirius’s parents now, and Sirius throws a quick look over his shoulder at Remus, who has his own parents to find. _Later_ , says the look Remus responds with. _We’ll see each other later_.  
And then, in a week and a half, they’ll move into their new apartment and be together all the time.

 

They move in and are finally alone, but only after they get James and Peter and Lily and Remus’s parents, who are all there toasting the new apartment, to leave, with assurances that they can unpack the rest themselves.  
As soon as the last person is out the door, they’re on each other, ripping clothes off and falling down to the cold, wood floor because the short walk to the bedroom is just too far.  
“I thought we’d never get them to leave,” Sirius all but growls against Remus’s neck as pants come off and are thrown across the room. Remus gasps when Sirius begins to move fingers inside him.  
“I thought you were going to have your way with me right there, in front of everybody.”  
Sirius laughs at that, mostly because it’s not that far from the truth. He always did have problems not being near Remus for extended periods of time, by which he means over two days. But now, now, they can be together all the time.

 

  
He can imagine it all, like it’s a muggle film, playing out in front of him. Their lives would be perfect. He’ll go to his job at the Auror Department and Remus will go to his job at Flourish and Blott’s and they’ll both come home after work and go at it and then eat dinner and then go at it some more, possibly on the kitchen table and this will be a daily occurrence. Sirius will beg for a dog, although Remus’ll probably want a cat that will curl up with him while he reads, and Sirius will eventually give in and get the cat, only to chase it around the flat as Padfoot. They’ll be happy and in love and maybe one day they’ll have some type of ceremony to make things more official than they already are.  
But then things with Voldemort and his reign of terror get worse, though how that situation could get any worse, Sirius doesn’t know, and Dumbledore starts the Order of the Phoenix to fight Voldemort. And of course, James is one of the first to sign up and he and Lily manage to convince Sirius and Remus and even Peter to sign up with them. And things are great at first, all fighting bad guys, just like he and James do at work, and spreading the word about the Order. But of course, just as Sirius is starting to feel like his life is everything he wants it to be, things go wrong.

 

Remus is the only werewolf in the Order, and Dumbledore starts sending him on missions, missions far more dangerous than the one’s Sirius goes on and Sirius spends most nights curled up on the couch in a state of terror, waiting for his boyfriend to return home after a week or two or three away. And it’s always the same when Remus does finally get back. He’s exhausted and needs a bath and has a few fresh scars. And Sirius jumps up from the couch and pounces and he and Remus fuck, there on the floor, just inside the door, like they did the day they moved in. When it’s over, Sirius gently traces each of Remus’s new scars, before taking him to the bathroom and cleaning him up and then pulling him into the bedroom and laying him down and pulling the covers around them both. Remus is so far away from him most of the time, so distant anymore, that Sirius feels this is the only thing he can do to help without Remus telling him what he’s been through, what he’s seen.

 

  
The prophecy happens and Dumbledore tells James and Lily they should pick a Secret Keeper, go into hiding. Sirius volunteers before anyone else has a chance to, of course he does, James is his best friend, no matter how little time they’ve spent together lately, but Dumbledore says no, that would be the obvious thing to do. James’s mind automatically goes to Remus after Sirius. But surely, Sirius thinks, Voldemort will have the same idea as James and will go after Remus and Sirius can’t stand the thought of Remus being hurt anymore than he already has been, God forbid in the hands of Voldemort. And so, without really thinking it through, Sirius makes up some story about not really trusting Remus anymore, Peter should be the Secret Keeper.  
Dumbledore sends Sirius on a mission and when he gets home, everything changes. Remus is pacing around the living room and at his feet is a suitcase.  
“Remus, what are you doing? Are you…are you going somewhere?”  
Remus just shakes his head and Sirius thinks he can see tears forming among his bright hazel eyes. “You don’t trust me, do you? You think I’m a spy, I can tell. And why not? I’m a werewolf, everyone else in the Order already thinks I’m a spy for Voldemort. And you went and told James, didn’t you? They’re avoiding me, all of them!”  
“Remus, I-”  
“No, Sirius. It’s too late. We can’t be together if you don’t trust me, okay? It was only a matter of time until you left me, anyway, wasn’t it? You would have eventually got tired of sleeping with someone you thought was betraying you.”  
“Remus, no, please, let me explain…”  
“Stop, Sirius.” Remus picks up his suitcase and opens the door. “It’s done. I’m leaving. And nothing you can tell me will stop me from going.” And he’s gone, out the door, and Sirius hears a loud _crack_ and knows that he’s gone, Remus is gone. And Sirius crashes to the floor and cries, cries, cries, more than he ever has before in his entire life.  
Sirius doesn’t know it then, but that’s the last time he’ll see Remus for thirteen years.

 

  
When Sirius hears that James and Lily are dead, gone, never coming back and Harry is still alive, he’s numb. He really just doesn’t know what to do. Peter. Peter? He’s the one who told James and Lily to make Peter the Secret Keeper. Sirius is the reason they’re dead. He finally realizes that he needs to get there, to Harry, before anything can happen to him. So he shakes himself out of his stupor, gets on the motorbike Remus always hated and speeds away to fetch his godson.  
Hagrid’s already there, Harry in his arms. He tells him that Dumbledore says Harry has to go to his aunt and uncle’s and of course, that’s endgame because every single damn thing Dumbledore says is law.  
In a split second, Sirius decides what he’s going to do. He gives Hagrid his motorbike and tells him to take care of Harry and then he goes to find Peter, to make Peter pay. He knows he’ll get caught. But honestly, he just doesn’t care. Remus is gone, James and Lily are gone, Dumbledore won’t let Sirius take care of Harry, and everyone will think Sirius was the one who betrayed James and Lily anyway. So if he ends up in Azkaban, or dead, or suffers the Dementor’s kiss, well, then it can’t be any worse than his life has been lately.

 

  
Thirteen years later, Sirius tells Harry that the only thing that kept him sane in Azkaban was the fact that he knew he was innocent, but that’s a lie.  
It was Remus. Everything always came back to Remus.


End file.
